Families, don’t you just love
them? Well sometimes we do. I’m sure the Queen, who is clearly devoted to ‘The
family’ must be left pondering as for the second generation in a row things
have gone a bit haywire. As a rule I try to avoid talking about
the royal family. My views and those of others can be quite at odds. I am an
avowed democrat who believes we are all equal. I dislike privilege and elites
in any form. That notwithstanding I have a level of sympathy with the characters
involved. Especially given the level of public scrutiny that they are under.
So what’s
gone wrong? Well as we all know when things go pear shaped in our families it’s
complicated. Things are no doubt said that shouldn’t be said, and they are
heard in a way which was not probably exactly as intended, resentments and
frustrations grow and bingo… a family is in turmoil. It may help to consider
what families are for, why they are actually so precious to us. I consider one
of the greatest things about families is that they are places where we should
feel that we belong. The very essence of what it means to feel ‘At Home!’ They
should also be places where we can be challenged and encouraged. This is the
heart of our formation as people. We all develop when given the right balance
of encouragement and challenge. Sadly finding that balance is less easy,
especially as we all seem to need varying amounts at various times in our life.
My children have sometimes commented that I was too strict, and at other times
too soft! However family should also be places where it is OK to be ourselves.
Once we have to ‘put a mask on’ we are not really feeling at home. Family ought
to be the place where it is OK to fail, at least sometimes.
I wouldn’t
dare speculate what’s happened in the royal family. After all, if I get it
wrong I could be sued, or worse, hung drawn and quartered for TREASON!! However
it troubles me that one aspect seems to be that Megan Markle, or Her Royal
Highness the Duchess of Sussex doesn’t feel as if she belongs or fits in. Is it
because she’s American, or Coloured or because she’s a ‘commoner?’ I doubt
anyone really knows for sure but we all know how uncomfortable it can feel not
to fit in.
Anyway
leaving that particular family aside, hopefully to discover reconciliation,
what does all this mean to us? Well family principles are the same for us all,
the only question is how wide we understand our family to be? Is our family,
nuclear, or extended, does it include the people who live near us, or our friends?
What about our country is this a family where we feel we belong, where we are
nurtured and challenged and where we can be ourselves?
I have the
privilege of being a church leader. I often describe the church as being a
family, or at least we should be. A place where people feel they belong and can
be nurtured and be honest to themselves. Another aspect of family which is true
of church is we intend to be multi-generational. It doesn’t always work but
when it does, it’s great. For the young to learn from the ‘older’ and the old
to learn from the young. I am proud that I think most of the people who are
part of the church feel that it really is good to be ‘together!’ The challenge
I keep trying to give us is to extend our family. By this I don’t mean just
getting more people to come along, although of course we hope people would feel
welcome. But how can we extend that sense of belonging to others around us? The
Bible says, ‘God sets the lonely in families.’ However we live in a time of
great loneliness, too many feel isolated and ‘not included,’ which creates the
opposite of nurture, it creates anxiety and fear. In Frampton we have the
excellent ‘Good Neighbour Scheme’ where volunteers simply try and befriend
those who have become, often with age, more isolated. It is great, but it is
the tip of the iceberg.
So my
thought for the month is simple…love your family. Yes of course those near and
dear, but look around you in your neighbourhood or in your workplace. Does
someone need to feel that they belong? Can you encourage them or challenge them
to see things in a new way, can you help them to feel that it’s OK for them to
be who they are? If there is a yes to those questions then my challenge is
clear, go for it. We do have a problem in our ‘family’ our society. Too many
are lonely and isolated feeling they don’t belong. Maybe you are even one of
those. But in ‘families’ most of the ‘solutions’ are internal, not just what
will others do about it, but what can I do. So pick up the phone, or send an
email, or even better bake a cake and ring on a doorbell or meet someone for
coffee. If all that sounds ‘too much.’ You could start by something as simple
as a smile and greeting, every little helps!
Stephen
Newell (Minister of Zion United Church, Frampton Cotterell)
